•Tell Fertility Counsellor TOLA ABAYOMI
Sex is an integral part of marriage that is expected to bring fun, enjoyment and relax a couple. It is what many couples, before marriage, anticipate and everyone has his own sex fantasy. Of course, sex is fun for many people. They enjoy it and can’t wait to get down with their partners whenever the need arises. But for some couples, it is not so. Meanwhile, the talk about sex in this part of the world is always forbidden. Society sees it as something exclusive and sacred that shouldn’t be mentioned in the open. This taboo stigma has left so many dying in silence. It has caused depression, low self-esteem and in some cases led to suicide.
A few days ago in Lagos, a customary court dissolved a marriage because of the inability of the man to satisfy his woman. That is how important love-making is to all couples all over the world. There is no couple who enjoys their relationship without sex. If that happens, someone is getting it elsewhere. In fact, for some, sex is never underrated. It deserves more time and attention and it is a department where both parties strive to be at their best in other to avoid stories that touch the heart.
But for couples who are looking for the fruit of the womb, the story is always different. Lovemaking, to them, is often a lot of hard work. They have to make love on specific days. They block the dates of love-making in their calendar and have to keep reminding one another. That alone takes away the pleasure and excitement from what is meant to be enjoyable. For them, pleasure is not their desire, but transforming the lovemaking into pregnancy and a baby or babies as the case may be.
Research has revealed that this often puts strains on the sexual relationship between many couples especially sex-making does not quickly result in pregnancy after some time. Meanwhile, the good news is here. Lagos-based fertility counselor and sex therapist, Tola Abayomi, had a live chat with Mr. and Mrs Omoz Evborokhai, a couple who has been in this shoe before and they shared their experiences and shed more lights on why expectant couples don’t seem to enjoy sex, while they await their bundle of joy.
Mr Omoz and Mrs Lara Evborokhai have been married for twenty-four years and have had 23 valentines as a couple. Surprisingly, this couple waited for sixteen years before having their first baby and during that period, they had IVF eleven times. Mrs. Lara Evborokhai is an Accountant, while her husband, Mr Omoz Evborokhai, is a lawyer. He is the President of FAAI, a non-governmental, non-religious organization that stands for Fertility Awareness Advocate Initiative. A body that talks about fertility options, counseling of couples battling infertility and talking broadly about fertility and infertility issues. The couple is based in Lagos and open to assisting other couples with infertility challenges.
City People’s DAMILARE SALAMI 08155134152 brings you the excerpts from the live chat, enjoy.
You’ve been married for 24 years, you waited for 16 years before Zara came. How was it for the two of you from the time you got married till Zara came? How did you cope?
This is a practical programme and we will say it exactly the way it was. It wasn’t fun waiting for that long period before the baby’s arrival. We are in Africa and in Nigeria, we know our society. Even on the wedding day, the prayer was that we will come back in 9 months’ to rejoice with you. And so whether you like it or not, all eyes are on you, everybody is waiting to see the tummy protruding, and if there’s no swelling Tommy, those who are bold will ask questions. In our own case, somebody asked us ‘are you guys just doing boyfriend and girlfriend? And we said yes, we are doing ‘boy yoyo’, but we want a child and we are working towards it. It wasn’t fun, it was draining emotionally, financially and we are always being put on the spot. When we attend functions, people would always calculate when we got married and will be asking when we would invite then to our naming ceremony. We were the outgoing type and we were still attending baby functions, weddings, baby showers, child dedication and all that, we just couldn’t hide, it was part of life and we just couldn’t allow our lives to be on the standstill. We wanted to live a normal life and so we started challenging ourselves. The truth is that for couples who are waiting, you have to challenge yourselves to do exactly what you want. In our own case, we decided that we were not going to live our lives short of how it ought to be as a young couple, we decided that we were going to enjoy ourselves while waiting, but the truth is, it wasn’t fun waiting. Dashed hopes, let’s wait, expectations high and low but we told ourselves that we are going to forge ahead while we keep praying and hoping that the baby comes.
Sexually, if you are not careful, it has a way of draining you because if you are not careful, sex would now become, mechanical where you now have to start checking the dates, how many days abstinence you were given and all take a toll on you and you stop enjoying the sex.
That’s where I’m coming to. The first one-year people are not really bothered until the second or third when it appears to become a problem. Sex becomes mechanical as you put it. Did you experience that and how were you able to manage it?
Well, maybe I’ll let her speak now since we were in it together. Yes, we did, sex was really mechanical, but just as my husband said, we had made up our minds that come what may, we were going to stick together. That was the first decision we made that with or without babies, we were going to stick together. Especially him, he kept assuring me that no matter what happens, he was not going to look for another woman. If the baby comes, that’s the icing on the cake; if it doesn’t come, we move on. And when it comes to the sex life, I guess maybe because of the assurance I get from him from time to time, it was a lot easier, we just took sex like fun. Initially, we were restricting it to the doctor’s timing, but because the mind was already at peace, it was a lot easier for me to say whether ovulation or not, let’s just get along. Sometimes, we even forget the appointed dates. You know, they would say one day on and one day off, sometimes, the day we were supposed to be off is when we have sex. It was so easy for us to just go on like that.
From what I gathered from you, he kept reassuring you that all will be well and that means you people were talking about the challenge and the way forward. But can you recollect if there was a time you didn’t connect sexually?
As I said earlier, waiting drains you emotionally and I think it also drains you sexually. The anxiety issue is there, especially when you have commenced your treatment and as we used to jokingly say that we are going to donate to Nordica (both laugh) and you are asked to come and drop your semen. Because of the anxiety, there was the likelihood that if you do not relax to the fullest, the small man down there will disappoint you and out of anxiety, you won’t be able to meet up with your obligation. So, those were part of it, and the togetherness also has a part to play. You have seen the challenge as not her fault or your fault, there’s no blame game. We saw it as a common challenge and a common setback that we have to overcome.
And so it was easy to talk to ourselves to relax and when we did, we overcame the challenge.
Speaking generally, there was always a tendency to say that after all we have been having sex towards making babies all these years and there’s nothing to show for it. There’s every tendency to say that enough is enough with sex, what is the result. My appeal to men especially and the women too is to see this as a common challenge both of you must fight and face headlong. And in any way you can support the other party, don’t hesitate to do so. It is not a question of trying outside because while waiting, there is always this temptation to want to try and prove yourself as a man especially when people have been telling you to do that. Some will tell you to prove that you are capable as a man, but it is not a capability issue because you don’t even know the woman you are going to meet outside. She probably knows your problem and is capable of giving you a baby that’s not even yours. We’ve read about the DNA saga going on right now; so, both of you must stick together so that whatever result that comes out as your victory can be truly verified as yours. Not 20 years down the line you are saying let’s go and do DNA because I played away then and I wasn’t too sure. There are bound to be temptations especially when you consider the types of job we do. I was doing a lot of travelling and I was meeting a lot of girls, who would throw themselves at you even when you are not asking especially those who have an idea of what you are going through. I want to appeal to those who are still waiting, please stick to yourselves, it’s just a temporary setback and thanks to technology, there must always be a way, it’s just a matter of time. We do not pray that any of you wait for 16 years but waiting is waiting even if it’s for 10 months. It will surely come, but always have it at the back, of your mind that there is life after the baby’s arrival.
How did you deal with all the questions people were asking you, did you let them know you were seeing a doctor or you just ignored them?
There are some questions you must give an answer to, but you have a right not to tell anybody what you are going through. If you’ve been married for five years and the baby hadn’t come, you don’t need any promptings, people can read in between the lines and understand that you are probably seeing a doctor. Close friends and family members will be on your neck. They actually mean well. Where they get it wrong is how they go about it. Some want to know in order to taunt your wife, for them, simply say we are seeing a doctor. You don’t need to go into details of what’s going on. You have to be very discreet; you also have to protect your family life. Some, you will definitely give answers to, but you have to be very discreet. Especially with the men, your aim is to protect your wife because the pressure gets to her more and you can always dance around it.
