…But My Lover Says No!
HELLO DOCTOR LOVE, please I need you to help me out of this very difficult situation. I am a married woman. Am just 35 years of age. My husband is 40 years old. We have been married for about 10 years. In the last five out of those ten years, we were separated. We were not living together. He left me and our two kids in the house he built and went to stay with another woman. We didn’t have any serious issues, just normal marital issues between couples. I begged and pleaded, including members of his family and my family, but he refused to come back home. But all through the period, he was away, I must be honest, he was sending money for the upkeep and education of the children. And for two whole years, I was waiting for him. I was lonely. I was depressed. I felt worthless as a woman. It pained me deeply to know my man left me, a pretty and dutiful wife, for another woman. I felt ashamed of myself. But about two years and some months after he left me and the kids, I met a kind and loving gentleman. I didn’t even plan to go into any relationship but he was all over me. He would not let me rest. Then, I realized I was enjoying his phone calls cos he was always making me happy. Then, it got to a point I started looking forward to his calls. That was when I knew I had fallen in love with him. So, since then, we started our relationship and I have never regretted loving this guy and giving my body to him.
He has made me feel like a woman again. He makes me feel good about myself. Though he is not as financially strong as my husband, but he loves me and respects me and that’s all that matters to me. Now, the problem is that, three weeks ago, my husband suddenly appeared and said he is sorry for what he did and wants us to put the incident behind us and move on. He said the child he thought the lady had for him turned out to be another man’s child. There was nothing I could do, I couldn’t send him back to wherever he came from, the house belongs to him. Family members too have come to plead on his behalf. In fact, many of them are saying I should count myself lucky he retraced his steps, that my kids are no longer from a broken home. To be honest, I am not excited about his return, I have left to cope without him all these years. My worry is about my lover, I have told him about the development and he says he’s not ready to let me go. He is ready to share me with my husband but I’m not sure I have the capability to keep two men, my husband and my lover, in my life at the same time. If my husband ever finds out, he will disgrace me before everyone in the family. Even the society will support him and judge me instantly, not minding the fact that it was my husband who pushed me into the relationship in the first place. Now, what do I do about my lover? He loves me and does not want to let me go. I still love him too. My name is Linda and I’m reaching from Lagos.
MY DEAR LINDA, you have been through a whole lot. Yours is a very moving story. To have gone five years without your husband and for more than two and half of those years, you were not with any man, credit must be given to you. Not many young women in this day and age would display the sort of patience you have shown. Unfortunately, for you as a woman, society says it’s a man’s world. And it’s largely because the man is often economically stronger than the woman. I am certain that, if for instance, you could afford to put a roof over your head and that of your kids, feed them, clothe them and send them to good schools, you would’ve sent your hubby back to where he came from. And like you said, if your husband ever finds out you’re ‘cheating’ on him now that he’s back, he will not spare you. He will make you look like a bad person. I will not advise that you keep extramarital affairs now that your hubby is ready to make amends because it will be very messy and sad if your secret is out in the open. It will be difficult, I know, but you have to let your man go. And he has to let go of you as well. It may take a bit of time, it has to be gradual. Talk to him. Make him see the need why you both can’t continue with the way things were. Let him know you’re not cutting off the relationship immediately, it will be gradual, but, eventually, you both have to bring it all to an end. Good luck, dear, I wish you the best.
DOCTOR WALE, I have a problem and I need your help to solve it. There is this guy whom I have been dating for about eight months now. We met through a mutual friend. Our relationship took off faster than I planned because he was practically all over me. He never gave me a breathing space, always calling to check up on me and wanting to take me out on a date. And before I knew what was happening, I had fallen in love with him. There is hardly a weekend that we do not spend together and a lot of his friends are already used to me. But lately, he just changed. He no longer spends time with me like he used to and does not call me like he used to when we first started. Even sex between us has dropped greatly. I have asked him repeatedly if there is a problem or there’s something I have done to offend him but he says there’s no such thing, that he’s just been under pressure with work. I know he’s lying, he’s not under any work pressure. But do you think he‘s already tired of the relationship so soon? Is he trying to dump me? Has he found another woman? Please, help me.
MY DEAR, you did not even mention your name, neither did you give me your age so I have an idea how mature you are. Listen, yours is not really as straightforward as you think. The truth of the matter is, only your guy can tell us what the problem is. He may not have found another woman as you suspect, it could be something you said or did that he is probably not ready to talk about. And yes, there could be another woman in his life. And he could also be going through a difficult phase that he does not want to share with you. So, it could be anything. I will advise that you give him a bit more time, whatever the problem is, you will find out soon. If he’s tired of the relationship or there’s another woman, you will find out sooner or later because he will definitely become irritated if you insist on sorting things out with him rather than walking away if that’s what’s on his mind. Don’t push him, don’t fight him, just hang in there. Call him up, send him messages and check up on him at home, soon, everything will fall in and you will know where you stand. Good luck, dear.
GOOD DAY, DOCTOR LOVE, how are you? Please, I need your help, sir. My name is Ejiro, I am 24 years old and a virgin. I have been dating my present boyfriend for about 6 months now. He says he wants to marry me and has been asking me for sex for a while now. I have told him repeatedly that I do not intend to have sex and break my virginity until after my wedding. But now, he’s saying he wants to be sure I’m a virgin before proposing to me and the only way he can confirm that is that having sex with me. I am confused, sir, what do you think I should do? I really love this guy and would love to be his wife.
TO BE HONEST, EJIRO, I don’t like the look of this. This doesn’t sound right to me at all. Why would a guy who’s serious about marrying you insist on having sex with you to confirm your virginity before marrying you? It does not look or sound right to me. To begin with, how sure are you that this guy really loves you? What have you seen? What has he done to convince you he’s being honest with you? Are you he will marry you even if you give him what he wants? Sincerely, I don’t think he’s been sincere with you. My advice is that you do not give him the sex he’s asking for. If he really and truly loves you, he will not be asking for sex before he can marry you. Tell him you’re not interested in the deal he’s offering you. If he wants to marry you, he should go ahead and do so if he genuinely loves you. Marriage should not be a bargain for sex. Quite frankly, this whole sex before marriage thing looks dubious to me. It would’ve been better if had simply said he can’t wait till after he gets married to you, that he wants to see what he’s ‘buying’ here and now. But to say he wants to be sure you’re a virgin just doesn’t cut it for me. Be careful with this guy, Ejiro, be very careful.
READ ALSO: HOW MY DAD SET UP AGBONMAGBE BANK, NOW WEMA – DR. DOYIN OKUPE
