+How My Husband Waited For 3 Years Before I Accepted To Marry Him
Dame (Dr) Christie Adata Toby who recently clocked 80 has remained very witty, poise and fit. This mother, grandmother, educationist, administrator, Church Leader and Philanthropist is a Knight of the Anglican Church. She is happily married to Alabo (Sir) Dr. Gabriel Toby, the former Deputy Governor of Rivers State and the marriage has lasted for 52 years.
Madam Dame Toby is the mother of an amazon, Ibim Semenitari, a former Commissioner of Information and Communications in Rivers State and former Acting Managing Director NDDC.
She founded many Organizations and Social Clubs to assist babies born by stranded young men and women. Such of these Social Clubs is Opubo Bibi Mu Ere Ogbo to care for women, she also provides scholarships to hundreds of indigent students. She is a Chief Commissioner (National Head) of the Nigerian Girls Guide Association of Nigeria (NGGA) and a Fellow of the Nigeria Institute of Management (FNIM). CityPeople’s Port Harcourt Business Development Manager, BUNMI DUROJAIYE got her views on insecurity, COVID-19, love and marriage.
Congratulations ma on your 80th birthday
Thank you.
Tell us a bit about yourself
I am a daughter of a Priest, my father wanted me to be a teacher since I was young.
Growing up was fun. We were all living like one big family all my friends are still my friends. On my birthday, about 6 of my childhood friends were there and we were throwing banters at each other one said shut up my friend l am older than you l am March and you are April and l said l am older than another one who was born in December.
We were able to mix because we related well when we were young but now it is not like that now, you will see a child hold a Computer or phone, he is talking to the phone and the phone is talking to him or her, they don’t even have time for their siblings not to talk of their neighbours. So our time if you ask me, we enjoyed ourselves.
Tell us about your educational background
My father was a Priest, so he related with Teachers, so for him, he felt the best place for his first child and daughter was for her to become a Teacher. He discussed with some of his friends about this and l passed SSG Elelewon and they didn’t tell him one can still be a Teacher after going to Secondary School.
They told him after going through Secondary school, she might change her mind and change to Nursing or something else and of course it with either a Teacher, a Nurse or a Secretary that females go for. He was advised to send me to a Model School and from there she will go to Teacher’s College after 2 years, so l was sent to St. Monica Model School and l passed my entrance into Teachers College Umahia and Enugu and went to the Government one, which was Teachers College, Enugu.
I have my TC2, NCE, B.EDU in Curriculum Development and Masters in Curriculum Development. PhD in Administration and Planning and l have been on, on, on in teaching areas. l was teaching and was made a Principal, and retired as a Director from the Ministry before l started my school. So that is just me.
Tell us how you met His Excellency
(Laughing) … won’t you ask him how he met me? Hmm, l didn’t really know him initially because when we went home on holidays we spent Christmas with our Grandmother and New Year with our father before we return back to base, so l didn’t know most of our town people. l think he and his friends must have spotted me and one day, he came and met me to come and join Opobo Student Union and l said my father will not agree and he said if l talk to your father would you come. l said Yes because l was sure my father would not agree. Very unfortunately, he and his friends, three of them went to my father and told him they wanted me to join the union and my father asked what the objectives were and because he was the Secretary, reeled out the motives and my father agreed and said Christie, you will follow your brothers. He told them they will come and pick me and bring me back. (laughing), he didn’t know he was in trouble.
At 4 pm dot, the three of them came and he left for the meeting. He was doing his A’Levels then at the meeting they re-elected him as the Secretary but he said only if he is giving the chance to nominate the Publicity Secretary and they accepted and he said Christie Brown and that was it, unopposed.
He will write all the circulars and bring them to me to sign so l was practically doing nothing.
He was doing double jobs to me, still, l saw him as any other person l see on the street until he got admission into the University of Nigeria, Nsukka in 1960.
At a point, people came to me and said they saw my picture in his album, l said no, and if it was seen then the person stole it that l don’t give people my pictures and that was true.
One day he came later that he had propositions to make, l didn’t know the meaning and he now sent a letter that he was coming to my parents’ house on the 27th of December.
I went to my father that l would love to go to my Aunts place on the 24th and left. He came but met my parents, l returned on the 29th thinking he must have gone but my mother said l had a visitor in my room, when l saw him, l asked him, what he was doing and why he didn’t go since l was not home and he replied that he was in love with me, so l asked for how long, and he said three years
So l told him, he will have to wait for three years for his answer. He thought l was joking and he left. 1year 2years, 3 years and one day he reached and told me, “l am doing my finals l will fail o”, l told him he won’t fail, he should go and read.
He sent me letters, My response to everything was Dear Gabriel, l received your letter. Thank you. Bye-bye. I had nothing to say. (Laughing). Until 1962 and he said l am about writing my exams say something.
I went to see my friends in Boroki, he met me and refused to allow in into the Taxi until I agree. I remained adamant and didn’t say a word. When it was getting late he allowed me to enter the taxi, as the taxi was moving, l brought out my head and l said Yes! That was the beginning of the story. l ran to Jos because my parents were in Jos. l told my father then my father started giving him, his own conditions till 1965, we did the traditional marriage.
After the traditional marriage, my father said until you take her to the altar, she is not your wife. We were allowed to exchanged letters but not visit. He tired o!. (Laughing). So we got married in January 1966.
About the insecurity in the country, as a former Excellency and a stakeholder, what is your take and the way forward?
I don’t know whether l can answer this question because we have security apparatus and the governor is the chief security officer of the State. My husband was not a governor and even if he was, it was not me but l think what is causing all these are multiple problems.
First of all, there is a group that feels they are short changed, feeling l don’t see why my child will not go to school and yours will go, l don’t see why my child will finish NYSC and not get a job and yours will have a job waiting for him or her before finishing School.
I don’t see why l will be trekking from Diobu to Secretariat and a vehicle will drive by and splash me water
Two, some people started losing confidence in each other, you don’t even know my feelings about you as am talking to you. This earring shouldn’t it had been mine, people have grown without being interested in looking out for each other or being each other’s keeper. On our days, we trek like 2 miles to get to school but we all wait and look out for each other when going and coming from School.
Up till now, whenever their child comes to school here, they inform me to keep an eye on them and invite them over for weekends. The relationship still stands till date but now, everyone is secluded you don’t even know the name of your neighbour, whether his married or has children, everybody is aloof.
Everybody is like inanimate objects no relationships at all, so if anything is happening to you, l don’t feel it. And there is the group that are just simply greedy even with all their 10 houses and 15 vehicles, they still want more. Pure greed. You see if you are not a thief, even if you are hungry, you will not steal the food but you will beg to have some and whatever you are given, you will be okay.
You can only steal it if you are a thief. But nowadays, it is “why is his house bigger than mine?” , they always want the bigger share of everything. There are so many things negatively fighting each other and at the end of the day, everybody is unsafe.
Your driver is not happy that he is driving you to drop your child at School while his own child treks to School. If there is a way that the margin between the poor and rich will be reduced to the very little gap, then the bitterness and pains and anger will be reduced and gradually people will learn to accommodate and care about each other.
When l was schooling in the UK, every Nigerian was my brother and sister without bothering about ethnics or religion. On October 1st, everyone brings your ethnic cassette and we all dance to it all celebrating our Country together.
There was love, care and clean relationships. Nowadays, everyone is eyeing a post, your child has not finished University, and you are keeping a position for him, not allowing those who have finished serving to work so that is why there is insecurity.
Advise Nigerians on COVID -19
This country is sweet o and God particularly loves us so much because the way we are behaving in India would have been better than us. We say blood of Jesus it will never happen to me, it is not that if you read your Bible, when there was pandemic, they were asked to quarantine, so why do we think if we shout blood of Jesus virus would not affect us, if we don’t obey simple instructions.
Owners of Churches are not helping matters because they want people to come and pay tithes and offerings, they asked them to come to Church there is no Corona and once the Pastors have spoken God has spoken. Traditionalists will say juju, gbogbonise and Otunmopo will drive it once you take it.
We believe in nonsense things but God remains faithful with this weather and diet that is helping us. The poorest person can take crayfish and pound it with a lot of pepper to eat fufu and the pepper there will burn the idiot (laughing) and the virus will die. Chew scent leaves put Aboliki and cover. God is merciful on our stupidity. Come and take the vaccination, they will tell you it’s killing and this person has not taken, are you that person. If it holds the man you are comparing yourself with he can charter a flight and leave me and you will stay under the Coconut tree and suffer. COVID is real!.
We should ask God to help us obey instructions from those that know more than us. We all have areas we are specialized in, we then did we send our children to go and study medicine, environmental this and that?. People are dying, when they die, their family rush them to the village at night and bury no records only those that died in the hospital that is known. l advise people to follow instructions and be vaccinated, we should tell our children and grandchildren. Coronavirus is deadly and real. We must be cautious!.
What’s your advice ma for married women during these difficult times that most women are moving out of their marital homes?
If the place is hot, won’t you move? Whosoever the place is hot for should move out and get fresh air. Instead of killing each other. The cause of all this is frustration, it’s not that the wife has grown uglier or the man has grown shorter, No!
And when there is no other person to pounce on, they pounce on their spouse l think that is number one and especially, when the marriage is not embedded in a strong foundation. It’s not a joke when they say Christ is the head of this house, some see the writings on the wall as fun.
Allow He who brought you into the world to be in charge of you, and if there is a quarrel and you go and see on the same bed, each facing different sides, in the morning the problem is still there but if you were going to sleep after your quarrel and God is in charge of your home, one of you will definitely say let us pray because that is the routine in the house, you pray together at night and in the morning.
The man or the woman, one must become the foolish person to say let us pray and at the end, you say through Jesus Christ our Lord, not my Lord. Before God, you are not husband and wife but Children of God and you understand that God brought you together for a purpose to raise a home, a home that will be to His glory and edification of His name until you realise that God merged you, both of you cannot stay together because nobody is perfect. Identical twins even have areas they disagree not to talk of you from different backgrounds. Have you not seen brothers and sisters from the same parents quarrelling?.
Mother and daughter do quarrel, so you must learn to accommodate yourselves and all the errors.
Then when the temperature has calmed down, you now tell him that the thing you did is not okay, he still replies its okay l am sorry. Learn to say l am sorry, thank you. These two words will heal any marriage. If the man is the hot-headed one, my friend plays the fool and gets him back!.
Later on, you people will be able to joke and laugh over it but if you have walked out that is the end.
Learn to be patient. Your spouse should be your other-self.
Adam suddenly woke from his sleep and said this is the bone of my bone. How did he know? , he was sleeping. We should allow God to lead.
Know that you too can make mistakes, forgive easily and move on. The best of marriages had issues but were managed properly.
How are you able to remain trendy and fit?
That one na God you go go ask o (laughing). l didn’t create myself o, l didn’t know what made it so but l know all human beings are wonderful and beautifully made. There is no work of God that is ugly. lt depends on the eyes you used in seeing me, to someone else, she can say, my friend, what is wrong with you?. You are not looking good.
First of all, appreciate God and listen to your body. When we were small my Grandmother used to say what l use my hand to buy cannot dictate how l will eat it. She uses to stuff and there was a scarcity of stuff, she threw away the container after sometimes and that was the end. You see drink till they fall into the gutter or eat and eat until you can’t breathe. Your body must talk to you. l tell my children that once you have stopped growing and you wear a dress and it’s tight on you, do not try to loosen it, try and lose weight to get back into it!.
- Bunmi Durojaiye
