•3 Celeb Ladies Open Up
In the last few years, the issue of Domestic Violence has been on the increase in Nigeria. In this part of the world, Women are 80 percent of the victims of Domestic Violence.
They get physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally abused by their offender who is mainly men. At every point in time, Law Enforcement Agencies are always handed different cases of wicked brutality imposed on these victims. Even with the promise of a wicked or beastly death, women still stay put. Why?
When Domestic Violence victims are called out to talk about their stories, their point of discovery is when they realise their voice. It is always difficult to move away from a life that will come with so many backlashes no matter how painful it is to be in it. Some victims stay in such marriages with the first and most destructive resolution of enduring it for their children. They fear the stigma that comes with being a single mother and how they may end up with a more destructive romantic life.
The dead-end for such victims is when they become financially dependent on their offenders. At this point, leaving will become difficult.
Certified Life Coach, Dr Olubusola Oluwaferanmi, who was once a victim, recently authored a book titled: Unmasking The Soul. Her book came after she had done so much work in helping other women come out of Domestic Violence. Through her Instagram and Facebook page “Intimate Issues with Dr. Olubusola, she not only touches the lives of victims, but also helps a greater part of the population understand the importance of Love in exchange for stigmatisation that is usually centered on domestic violence victims.
Last week, at her book/product launch and birthday party, 3 beautiful and strong women took the stage to share their story, with City People Publisher, DR. SEYE KEHINDE as the anchor. They are Adefunke Adewunmi, Fatima Aisha and Busari Oyin. They shared details of their journey and survival through Domestic Violence.
DEFUNKE
“It is not all the time you are mentally ready to discuss your pain and tonight is one of those nights. But I will to honour Dr. Olubusola. If you have been on my Facebook wall, you would have seen me write a few times about how Doctor Olubusola helped me and she is a major factor as to why you see me sitting here today. Let me say this on behalf of every Domestic Violence Survivor, none of us intended to go into a relationship or marriage with the view of getting out of it.
Everyone goes in there with the view of enjoying the marriage and having children but when it happens, it happens. I won’t be sharing my full story because I am not mentally ready, it comes with flashes, depression and therapy to which I just got out of. I will come in with the interest that our society is not ready for this conversation. Why? For me, I come from a royal family and I happen to be the first daughter of a first class king. You know what that means, everyone knows that all the family intend to protect is their name. Nobody is about the pain of what the girl or boy child is going through. Yes, I have seen men go through domestic violence.
Let me share how I survived. I was beaten in an animalistic manner, there is an actual difference to being beaten like a human and an animal. I was beaten like an animal, he knew I had nowhere to go because no one was ready to accept me. I was 6 months pregnant when the only person that could have saved me died, my mother.
When she was alive, she will tell me that she will retire, come to Lagos and be with me. We had it all planned out because we knew who he was. So to protect my fathers name, we were protecting me till when I give birth so my mother will take over the children at one year old while she goes back to Akure to start her school with my children as her first cradle. We had it all planned out but she died January 13, 2011. I was facing a beast and a father that wanted to protect his name.
Then it went on, a day after naming, I was beaten and taken back to the hospital. I remember when I was beaten and fell into a coma. The mother in me was hearing the cry of my 3 months old twins in the hospital with me with mosquitoes while he left us to go to Port Harcourt. When I woke up I realised I was stitched on my head after that, he came back again to do it and I could not leave. This is a house that I pay the rent and its in my name but he is always coming back. To cut the long story short, I was helpless, there was a time he left and I went back to beg him. It was an 8 months relationship with me being hospitalised 30 times. Dr. Akeredolu at my hospital told me that if I come back again, he was going to take my children away from me.
The first time I knew I needed to leave was when he grabbed my son off me at 7 months.
He wanted to beat me at the time, so he wanted to throw him on a chair, but the boy landed hitting the door with his head and passed out. We needed to rush him to the hospital but this man will not go so I went alone. This was when I knew I needed to leave. Then one day, I opened another account on Facebook and wrote an anonymous post to Dr. Olubusola on Intimate Issues and even sent her some pictures. She posted it on intimate issues, remember I was helpless with a very low self esteem. Anytime I call my dad, he will tell me to be patient and I will stay, so I felt it was a normal life. I am an introvert who lived in the GRA so I thought it was normal to go through pain. I thought I was living a normal life, after Dr. Olubusola posted it and I was following the comment.
I saw people with different comments and views, I realised I was living an abnormal life. I then went to chat up Dr. Olubusola with my main account and told her everything in tears. As at that time, I was gone because I was having flashes, and headaches. Some minutes ago I was trying to dance but I had to sit down because I am going through excruiciating back pain due to domestic violence. I grew from size 14 to 22 because the only thing that I had to keep me sane is food, the moment I eat, I am happy.
What I am saying in essence is I got my freedom through God and through Intimate Issues with Dr. Olubusola. They stood by me and this made me establish a home and foundation for domestic violence survivors. When I look at the women there, I smile because I now see what I can do. So that is why most of my advocacy is on social media. When family and friends fail you, the only place you can get support again is on social media if you cannot get support from strangers, then someone like me is gone.
So I ask everyone, are we ready for this conversation? Are we not enablers? Some of you, your sister-in-law is being beaten by your brother, what are you doing about it? Some of you have friends who are victims, you would rather gossip them than support them.
I remember a friend of mine that I was running to, unfortunately we are now both single mothers. She told me what her husband said about me but it was not easy for me, I got enstranged from my dad so I had to carry the cross on my own. I am a mother of twins who are now 11 years by God’s grace. I remember when this man left, he told me “Funke, I think I will just kill you, rather than killing you, let me leave you to your fate. Don’t call me again”. From then till now I did not and we are doing well. To all domestic violence survivors here, you are not alone. There is nothing as beautiful as chosing to leave than choosing to die.
In conclusion, I would like to tell all women about House of Fatima, a foundation for sexually abused girls a . I am also the ambassador to Queen Moremi Ajasi say ‘no to drugs campaign under His Imperial Majesty, the Ooni of Ife. I was sexually abused by someone I called my father from the age of 5 till I was 14. One of the things that he did was to make my mum hate me. I became a sexual, physical and psychological victim in the process. I never knew he was not my dad I thought he was my dad. It ended at the age of 14 when my mother found out I was no longer a virgin. But before then what happened?
After my mother found out, he killed her 2 years after to marry me. That was what made me run out of the house. I became an alcoholic, club girl and dropped out of school. This was because I had no where to stay and no one to talk to. What I have noticed is when you share your story, those who will judge you first are women. Then the society will bully you and call you many names, no one will even want to associate themselves with you so I found solace in the club. I became a core club girl. I drank, smoked and was tired, I wanted to kill myself.
Before he killed my mum to marry me, I had started running away from the house before age 11, whenever my mum traveled.
When she comes back and starts searching for me, he will tell her he saw me kissing a boy. So, when my mum finds me, she will beat me, break my spirit. Train your children to know the value of themselves. Ensure that your children, both boys and girls grow up with a lot of self-confidence and self-worth. Make sure you are financially independent, that is very important. My job helped me a lot, I was working with an Oil & Gas firm even though I was the only one caring for the twins. Lastly, let us all be an ambassador for domestic violence survivors. Let everyone take it home, that I will never stigmatize anyone going through domestic violence. Let us note that the first thing an abuser will do is to make you feel worthless because they are narcissist. For everyone reading this, even if you cannot support, be empathetic to anyone going through domestic violence. Comments on your wall or on people’s wall should show you empathise with them.
If people’s comment on intimate issues were not empathetic, I would never have left him. I will part with you with these words “never be ashamed of your story, without your story there can never be any glory”.
FATIMA ISHAKU
“I am not here to tell my story for anyone to shed tears. I am here to share my story to help you understand what Sexually abused victims go through. I am Fatima Aisha, the author of “I called him Dad” based on a true life story and it was published in America. I still have scars on my hands that reminds me of the things I went through in the hands of my mother. I was tired and even had 2 engagement, called off because they said I was my step father’s Sex Slave, that I am a taboo and no man will want to be with a girl that was abused by her step father.
The last man I was to marry asked me to stop telling my story or he will call off the wedding. I told him. No way. And decided I was never going to get married. That is what this society is. The people destroy you more than your offender; Sometimes the pain did not bother me anymore but the scars I got from my mother. They reminded me of what I went through.
In 2016, I attended a friend’s movie premiere where Doris Simeon was there in the US. In the movie, she was raped and had a child who later died of cancer. When the movie ended and questions were asked, people neglected the rape aspect and focused on the rate at which malaria was killing people. These were people in diaspora, I was so sad. I took the microphone and shared my story.
That was where I met an American Professor who asked me to write my story. I initially refused, but this issue of Rape has gotten worse especially in Nigeria because they don’t speak out due to the fear of stigmatisation. They ask questions like “what is she wearing? How did she walk, what hair did she have on?” But then, I was 5 years and had been a sex slave at that age so what was I wearing then? So I wrote that book to help people understand what rape victims go through. You stigmitizing is bad, when they share their story, you don’t have to say anything just hug them. There is power in a hug. Like Dr. O, she has one of the purest hearts. I met her in Abuja and we have been close since then. Her words affected me, now I have a part 2 for my book and a documentary on Netflix. There were some things I was holding back in book one, they were the core of what is to be written so I went on with a documentary.
One thing I noticed about Dr. O is her very pure heart. When she talks to you, even when you don’t want to get healing, you get healing by force. That is how powerful her words are. Once she talks to you and you listen to her you get better. She has helped me heal a lot, now I can face the world. When the world stigmatizes me, I tell them “I have a story, do you have a story?”.
In conclusion, if you are a victim of sexual abuse, one of the things I will tell you is discover your inner strength. That is what will help you fight to be a better person. Don’t mind those who stigmatise you, they don’t have a story and they are jealous that you are brave and bold enough to tell your story. So live your life, enjoy it and be happy”.
ADERAYO BUSARI
“My case is different from theirs, I was not married. It just happened that while in school, a guy came, we got talking, he did not give me the chance to tell him Yes before forcing himself on me. Before I could figure myself out, I was pregnant. He couldn’t believe it at first then automatically a relationship started. I decided to stick with him because of the shame and the fear of being pregnant without taking a man home. I took him home and he promised to take care of me. My people waited us to get married quickly but I noticed something. A lot of people pay attention to the physical abuse that comes with a little care from the offender.
The kind of domestic violence I went through is totally different. Though, he dared not hit me because I grew up in the ghetto, I made him understand that if you give me one, I give you double. The moment he realised that he switched patterns. There was a time he made a move to hit me, I instantly told him off.
That was the end of it. He never tried to hit me. So I noticed that anytime we get into a misunderstanding, he throws my baby at me saying the baby knows just me and that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with us. Then the next day, he will come begging, then the next thing is sex. It dawned on me that he was trying to turn me to a sex toy and I resolved within myself to deal with it. But then the emotional abuse started.
There is this particular word I will never forget in my life, I am still single and no where near where I want to be but I am fulfilled. I am living my dream and I am enjoying myself. The guy told me “mo ti so e di oloju esho kan, ko si eni kankan ti o ma fe e”.
I kept that in my left hand and decided that I am not where I should be. As a young girl, I had a dream about how my family is supposed to be. But with this, all what I wanted was not feasible. When my baby clocked 1 year he disappeared with no parting word.
I went on like that for three years until he came begging again. My parents told me “Okowo ti omo ba ti wo okuta ti wo” please parents let’s stop saying that. But then I had no choice and took him back and we continued. I then realised that I was pregnant again. The moment the second pregnancy happened, he started misbehaving again.
It was already affecting me, I was in school, I could not go to class. Then I sat down and prayed, I would not say I prayed down the pregnancy because I lost the baby. That was my liberation, so years after, I met Dr. O through my friend Micheal and meeting her helped me notice red flags I overlooked anytime I am in a relationship. I have been able to define my friendship and relationship with people.
Please, it is not until your husband beats you that you are being domestically violated. He used to tell me “you can never become anything in life, whenever I am talking you will not talk”.
I did not even want to be an Engineer, I wanted to be a Nurse but because of these words, I went in for Civil Engineering in school. He is also a Civil Engineer so I decided that with this engineering, we are going to rule the world together”.
– Damilola Akande
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