•Says everyone needs regular orgasms to stay healthy
Sharon Ifeoma Asika-Anene is a holistic sex therapist from Delta State Nigeria. With many years of experience and practice, she is constantly working to break the stereotypes about sex and sexology. A dauntless face in this reserved space, Sharon Anene, popularly called Shazzling, reveals her professional side in this explosive interview with TUNRAYO ILESANMI.
What does your job entail as a sex therapist?
My job as a sex therapist is a very interesting and exciting one. I am a psychologist who is trained in sexual health and sexual problems. I help my clients deal with any mental, emotional or physical issue that disrupts their sexual lives. I work with everybody — males, females, children and adults. I am sure you are wondering about kids and sex. I personally believe that once a child can identify his or her body parts, we need to start educating them about the private parts. This is where my job comes in as an educator.
As a holistic sex therapist, I am concerned about your general well-being, especially in the sexual areas. I also help people who have sexual trauma and those molested, assaulted or raped. So, we are not only about the enjoyment part even though that is not left out. I teach and coach ways to enjoy sex better with yourself and your partner and also the safe practices that must be upheld during sexual intimacy.
I also produce safe, natural and healthy foods to help everybody boost their sexual life. That is why I said my job is interesting and exciting. There is still a whole lot I have not even said. This is just a tip of the iceberg.
How is your line of work perceived by the public?
To be fair, we’ve moved and grown from the era where it was completely a taboo to mention the word sex in public to slowly being bold about it. I used the word slowly because there is still room for more progress. I would say slowly because we are accepting there is a field right there. However, we still have the backward thinkers who think being a sexologist is a shameful job. They sometimes relate it to prostitution. I know they’ll come around.
In fact, there are so many of us right now in Nigeria. One of us is hosting here in Lagos the first ever sex conference. So you see people are working to change the notion. There are events and sex education parties all over history. All over the world, we have men and women putting in effort, lending their voice to change that stigma.
Again we are professionals. Do you know about the school work? It is not a joke! People have masters, PhD, degrees, certificates, long hours of study. We don’t deserve the disrespect. However, like I said, we are all working. I am working and I am lending my voice. This is all going to change very soon, and I know someday, millions of people will say Sharon Anere inspired me to become a sexologist because it is a noble profession and a sweet one at that.
What led you to specialise in sex therapy?
Hmm! I woke up one day and just felt it was where I really need to be right now. I’ve always been interested in the idea of sex.
What is your clientele base like, how many clients do you have or have you worked with?
My clientele base is a very interesting one. I am for everybody but I belong to nobody. I do not segregate. If you have a problem and you need therapy, I would love to work with you, except if it’s not my area of specialization, then in that case I would refer the client without hesitating to someone who is equally as professional and capable as I am. In 2022/2023 for my Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR), I offered free Therapy in which people had an opportunity to try therapy at least just once. I had over a thousand people. People want to talk. People are suffering in silence and need therapy. They kept flowing in their large numbers.
What are the demographics of your clients? Are they corporate, young adults, couples or professionals?
I have worked and still work with, but not limited to young adults, older people, couples, teenagers, kids of all genders. Basically you can see I am for all age groups. Now you understand what I said at the beginning, I am for everybody. I also work with professionals in all fields too. I am not limited. Doctors, lawyers, engineers, and so on. I also work with public figures, celebrities, politicians and uniform men and women. Please just come, don’t worry about who you are. If you need therapy, send an email or call. That’s the first step.
Do you have religious leaders or clergies/clerics among your clients, considering that they also have marital issues that are ignited by sexual problems?
Oh Yes! I do. Presently, I am working with a religious leader and this makes it more interesting as you asked. I am happy people can now differentiate between the job of a therapist and a religious leader. They are not the same at all. Therapy should come from a certified professional same as counseling. The good thing is with professionalism and rules in my field, people are able to tell that the therapy sessions are extremely confidential. You don’t have to worry about another person hearing what you have said to your therapist. So I am a therapist not a town crier. It has helped me work with every type of person and this I deeply appreciate. Remember too, everyone faces issues in their single and marital life. These issues don’t select if you are a religious leader or not. They just exist till you heal and go through that phase. It’s only therapy that helps you heal and not suppress them.
What percentage of religious leaders form your clientele base?
Right now the percentage of religious leaders is still growing. Just 1% and I can understand why but give me some time, I will change that. Soon everyone of them will at least try therapy once and get to see the beauty in it. There is no shame or judgment in therapy so we should all be ambassadors. Speak about it, embrace and wholeheartedly welcome the idea.
What is the most bizarre case or client you have ever handled?
I don’t like to call any case bizarre to be very honest with you. I respect people a lot and the fact that they even think of me as the therapist to help them through that bizarre situation is something to applaud them for. There is no case that is more challenging than the other to me. I kind of see all of them as the same even if they aren’t. Whether it be a rape /sexual assault case, low libido or erectile dysfunction issue and so on. Any pyschosexual dysfunction, extreme sexual fetishism or any other kind of issue is in the same category for me. Each one comes with its own interest and helps me become a better therapist. It helps me grow in my Industry. But to be fair to you, I get you, so just know I’ve heard it all. Let you imaginations run wild, and I bet I have heard that already.
Why do some enjoy sex and others don’t?
Why do they say sex has benefits? Why does the society ask us to shut up? When it comes to matters of sex, especially since it was the act that brought us into this world, I am very inquisitive naturally. I want and like to know more. I also found out that it comes naturally to me. The answers to most sex questions is inside, just that I might not have researched, learned or even heard about it. But it is there. So I guess it was time to follow my passion, my purpose; help people and make money while at it. That is happiness, long-lasting joy. I do it without pressure also. So I’m here now and I’m here to stay.
I am also here to conquer and inspire many more people to join and become sexologists. It is a noble job. We study hard. So, be ready to read, do a lot of research and work really hard. We are professionals who need to be seen, heard and respected.
How do you stay current in your field?
I am open to learning. I learn every single day. Something new has to enter my brain, my mind, my subconscious. I research every new case or development. I learn something I don’t know. I start asking questions from random people and colleagues, get their opinions and see what they think. I collaborate with people all over the world; people who have been sexologists for years and those that are just joining the field. My ears and eyes are everywhere. I just keep my nose out of other people’s business, stay focused and improve myself daily. I work a lot, so that helps me stay up to date.
How do you address the stigma surrounding sex therapy and what misconceptions do you often encounter about your work?
I let people think what they like. However, if the person with the misconception is one who can handle the truth, by the time I lecture them, they end up feeling so ashamed that they voiced out balderdash. Other times, I upgrade people’s knowledge and they are surprised to see they hadn’t even thought about sex therapy that way. Like I know some people reading this interview are going to be enlightened. Non-believers will believe. Some misconceptions about sex therapists are either that we are not professional enough, we are in this field because we want to snatch men or looking for more men or we have sex with our clients, and so on. It’s a whole lot and I don’t keep those shrewd words in my head as their thoughts are not my concern. It doesn’t define me. I am a professional to the core and I don’t play with my job. A trial will convince you.
How do you empower your clients to take ownership of their sexual health and well-being?
Visit the hospital frequently. Talk to your doctor. Talk to your therapist, eat the right foods, drink water, stay hydrated to stay lubricated, exercise, move your body, keep a healthy weight, engage in practices that help you to stay strong. Practice edging, kegel exercises to strengthen your private part, understand your body. With this, you can explain better to your partner how to please you. Have regular orgasms; it promotes general well-being. Practise safe sex, upgrade your sexual life, learn and improve. Do not be shy of sex and your sexuality. Remember you’re a god/goddess, king/queen. Love yourself and carry yourself highly.
Lastly, love your body. It is yours.
What outcomes have you seen in your clients as a result of sex therapy?
I have seen a lot. People have healed from trauma. People have improved sexually.
People with challenges like ED, pain during sex, low libido, difficulty with having orgasms, not enjoying sex because of circumcision, people who hate sex have changed. The shame culture, sexual dysfunctions, visible changes, sex addicts have broken the addiction. There’s a lot of positive changes and positive outlook from my clients. I have clients who say “Sharon, I don’t know what magic you used on me”. Good, positive feedback, and I am thankful to God for it but also thankful to my clients who chose me. They say “it just has to be you or no one else as my therapist.” That is a huge blessing!
Can you describe your approach when working with clients who may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed discussing their sexual concerns?
I think I answered that elaborately earlier. I help them to settle in just fine. No judgments. I make them feel at ease. Sometimes we get to talk about other things that are shameful and it helps them relax, feel at ease. Truth is when you see me or hear me speak, it becomes easier. You can just tell! You are safe here.
What positive impacts or transformations have you witnessed in clients after undergoing sex therapy sessions?
Healing, growth, knowledge, experience, boldness, increased desire, transparency, and so on. Even research shows more than 90% improved their sex life after speaking to a sex therapist. The impact is positive and very high. You can’t miss it except you didn’t meet the right therapist, because choosing the right therapist for you is another thing all together.
How do you ensure that clients feel comfortable discussing sensitive topics with you?
Firstly, when you see me – you feel comfortable. People naturally just talk to me. This happened a lot before I became a therapist – it was like I was carrying the secrets of the world for free. Now I get paid to do it. Anyway, I am non-judgmental, and when you see and speak to me, you just know. There is a safety approach I have which the clients get to hear, see and experience during sessions. I also let them know I have heard everything. So I know theirs is not the worst.
The sessions again like I said are tailored to suit clients. So if I see the client is an uptight person naturally, I have approaches to calm them, reassure them and build some level of trust. Even if for some it doesn’t happen during the first session, they eventually find their way around and speak freely. Thank God I don’t own a gun, so there’s no pressure. Plus you’re also signing a confidentiality contract. That is binding enough too.
How do you address cultural differences and norms in your practice?
I am a bit educated about different cultural norms, although I derive joy in learning and wouldn’t hesitate to ask my clients questions. When your clients also feel like they can teach you something, especially when they know you don’t know it, it makes some of them feel safe with you. So I like to ask open-ended questions. Also, during consultations, I get to learn about the clients. If there is anything I don’t know, I research, learn before the next session and become well equipped. Any other thing I don’t know, I ask questions. With me, there’s no pressure and no judgment. I flow easily with all my clients.
What is your approach to sex therapy?
I have many approaches and tools I use to work with my clients because I am a holistic sex therapist. My work is unique. I use different methods but every approach used during my sessions is customised and personalised to suit the client I am working with. From C.B.T, psychodynamic, group, existential, family, A and C, person centred, art, hydro therapy, sound, humanistic, carpal, psychoanalytic, it is a whole lot and I haven’t even mentioned a quarter.
I enjoy the fact that with everybody, it is a different approach but with one goal. I first have a consultation session and l can tell what approach best suits you, especially if you have been sincere during the consultation. That is the very first step. Drop the shame, guilt, fear and just open up. You are safe. It is confidential. Then we are good to go. Again this job is so amazing. I bet you’ll like to switch careers now.
What advice would you give to individuals or couples who are hesitant about seeking sex therapy but feel they may benefit from it?
Take that bold step. It is a bold move, don’t hesitate. Drop your trust issues and find a therapist that suits you. Do your research when picking a therapist. There are different types of approaches therapists use, so find the one that suits you. I think the problem sometimes is people think all forms of therapy involve talking. If the goal is healing, I assure you that there are other forms which do not need you to speak. However, if you want an all round therapy, be ready to say a word or six. Stay open minded, be ready to bear it all. In the end, healing is an amazing journey everyone needs to experience.
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