The strong psychological bond between a mother and son plays a significant role when it comes to this issue, Mphunga says.
“This is someone who’s had a relationship with her son for the past 20 or 30 years. When he gets married, it’s difficult for her to acknowledge that he can do things on his own,” he explains. “Sometimes the mother can’t accept that her son is an autonomous married person who’s running a household.”
A meddling mother has a huge impact on a marriage, and could cause the man’s wife to feel like an outsider in her own home.
“The mother can involve herself in the household affairs of the couple, causing the wife to question her validity,” Mphunga says.
This often leads to hostility between the wife and her mother-in-law, putting the man in a compromising position. He may feel he needs to take sides, without realising that allowing his mother to have a say in the everyday affairs of his home is really the cause of the strife.
It’s important to emphasise that you’re not excluding her entirely, but that there are times when she needs to draw the line
Mphunga says there’s only one way for a man whose mother is being intrusive to deal with the situation – to be assertive. But it’s important to adopt a strategic approach.
“You need to sit your mother down and assert the boundaries that you want to set about how much of your marriage she can be involved in,” Mphunga explains. He stresses that it’s important to emphasise that you’re not excluding her entirely, but that there are times when she needs to draw the line.
“Tell her that you’re man enough to take care of your household, that you’re man enough to take decisions, that you’re man enough not to have anyone questioning the way you raise your children and run your household.”
However, be sure to exercise sensitivity to protect your mother’s feelings when getting your message across.
Mphunga says your mother could misjudge the situation and believe that your wife has urged you to have this conversation. This is why it’s important to focus on your needs and what you want.
“When you tell your mother about your feelings on the issue, don’t say ‘we feel’. Say ‘I’ so she can see that it’s personal and not influenced by someone else. And if there are things your wife wanted you to address, let that come later in the conversation after you’ve stated your personal reasons,” Mphunga advises.
He also advises you to have this conversation with your father present. If this isn’t possible, then have an uncle there. A male figure is more likely to understand where you’re coming from and may be able to help your mother better understand why this is important to you.
