Opens Up On Her How 14 Yr Marriage CRASHED!
It’s no more news that actress, Victoria Inyama has ended her 14 years marriage to renowned author Ben Okri. The beautiful mother of three who is presently a Psychologist and Advocate for Domestic violence has opened up on every detail that led to the breakup. And she didn’t open so she could be in the news, rather, so women going through the same can learn to speak out, if not for anything for the sake of children involved most times.
For those who are not familiar with the name. Victoria Inyama, she was a popular actress in the industry before relocating to UK in 2003. She joined the movie industry in 1990 and her role in the series titled Ripples shot her to the limelight.
She obtained a BA from Unilag, studied Counseling in the Lewisham Counseling of London, and also attended the Greenwich School of Management in London. She left the movie industry in 2003 when she got married and relocated to the U.K. Their union was blessed with 3 kids.
Victoria has been through a lot in life, and for every battle, she has come out victorious. She battled cancer in 2006. All these made her scarce from the movie industry but her fans will never forget her role in movies such as Silent Night, Glamourgirls, Love From Above and a host of others. She is presently an advocate for people going through domestic violence. Also, she recently opened up on what really led to her 14-year marriage crash in an interview on Trash It by Cece Peters and Skinnytwigy online and how she was abused physically, mentally and financially.
When asked that at what point did you notice changes in your husband? she replied: When we started living together. Initially, I used to live in Nigeria and he was in London, it was a long-distance relationship. So most times, I only travel to U.K. Spend a month or two then return back home. If he was exhibiting the traits I experienced when I was just visiting, I wouldn’t have continued with the relationship. Moreover, my father was still alive back then and he stayed in London too, so I would have just stayed with my father. Also coming from a single parents background, I didn’t get all the father figure love and attention. My experience with my mum who was a disciplinarian would hit me when she gets frustrated with things. She was also against my choice of career which was acting. So with all these, I saw my experience with my husband as normal and also that it was wrong to discuss issues with a third party, that explains why I kept things to myself and saw my life as being normal. Right now, I am totally against anybody maltreating children because it can affect them later in life. At a point I was ashamed to talk about all these.
When I left the refugee home, I was asked what I wanted to do next? I told them, I would like to study more. My ex is so bad-mouthed, I suffered every aspect of abuse, from physical, to psychological to financial. It was very damaging.
Is it right to speak out, when you experience domestic violence because many women don’t?
It’s a good thing to speak out. One thing is that first, they make you believe they care a lot about you and you don’t need any other person around you. I relocated to the U.K in 2003, had my baby in 2005, I fell sick for a while. I brought up the idea of going back to school. He kicked against it, because to him if I go to school, I will become smarter and wiser.
I was so dumb that I didn’t know I could get a loan and do that myself but in achieving that, it will require my passport which was with him, then meeting people, to him. According to him, investing in a woman is a waste of money. I didn’t get my passport until 2010.
I didn’t marry him for papers because my father was there. Even when I left the hospital after my battle with Cancer, the hospital suggested that I need a nurse to always check on me, he kicked against it, he said he will take care of me which he never did. He made sure I didn’t have access to people or any form of information that can help me.
At what point it dawned on you, that you are in an abusive marriage?
That was when I got back from the hospital. I stayed in the hospital for some time, treating Cancer.
My ex-husband is a lawyer and very intelligent. He made me feel guilty recovering from Cancer with 2 kids, I still cook, clean and still go through abuse, even with all that, I still see it as normal. This happens when you are not from a functional background.
I met him in 2003, dating in 2004, got pregnant and having baby, relocating, then falling sick and going through treatment for cancer, it wasn’t an easy journey. The thing about such guys is that they work on your head and manipulate your thinking and begin to start being grateful for your suffering.
Do you know how many women work and give their whole salaries to their husbands, yet their husbands don’t do anything, stay at home, nags and still maltreat them at the end of the day? You as a woman will still sit down and be thinking is it really too much? I always use myself as an example since I have all the experience. One fateful day, I had just come to bed early in the morning and I was tired, he just hit me and was like I want sex, I was like hell no, I am very tired and moreover even if I was a prostitute, you should give me some respect, that resulted into serious beating and I started screaming I think a passerby heard my voice and called in the police, the police came asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, I said no they asked questions I told them I couldn’t remember anything.
Did all these Violence affect your kids in any way?
It affected the kids, I was a proper mumu, Olodo. My ex was always a step ahead of me, I didn’t have friends in London, the few I had were regulated by him, the one I had as a friend, he was sleeping with her.
My friend that was helping me with my medications after surgery and taking care of the kids, everything I discussed with her in confidence, she tells my husband, so anytime we are talking he starts talking like he knows everything I have on my mind not knowing my friend has been feeding him with all I discuss with her. This drama continued until my friend’s twin sister insulted me to my face that I was a mumu.
What can I do, it was the kids that eventually saved me. During one of our usual issues at home which I see as normal, the children complained in school and they called in Social Services to investigate. The police lady came, she asked me questions and told me she realized am too scared to voice out because I have a nice car and feel am leaving a comfortable life. She also said that she entered the children’s room and saw how they cuddled each other in fear that I need to speak out for the children’s sake. I didn’t know who the Social worker is.
The kids were interviewed in school. At a point, they dropped the case but Social services put the kids under Children protection. In 2014, they went to school and reported and they said they will be coming to take the kids,
I was like they will have to kill me first before taking my kids. One of the police they sent in was already aware of my kids and suggested that I should be taken along with the kids because it is very obvious I was too scared to talk so we were taken to a Refuge home where I got the necessary therapy. At the refuge home, there’s a compulsory program called Freedom program where I learnt a lot.
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