•From Life Coach, Dr. OLUBUSOLA OLUWAFERANMI’s New Book
THE USUAL QUESTIONS
Why did she allow it to happen? Why did she not seek help sooner? Why did she not leave sooner?
There are different answers to these questions, depending on the individual involved and the particular situation. Yet, this is not to say that asking such questions is always helpful- especially when posed to the victim directly – since doing so inherently puts the blame on them. Thus, the most appropriate question should be: why an abuser chooses the path of abuse.
For the sake of the victims themselves, as well as some perpetrators who may not know that their actions constitute abuse, I will quickly point out a few things in relation to the above questions here.
The first is that many Victims remain in abusive relationships because they do not understand what constitutes domestic abuse. Secondly, many think the abuse they go through is justified or deserved. Third, many do not know the way of escape and often think no one would care.
Let’s dig deeper into these issues.
SHADES OF ABUSE
Domestic abuse – also known as intimate partner violence, domestic violence, dating violence, spousal abuse, and intimate partner abuse – is a pattern of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading, violent or manipulative behaviors that occurs in a romantic relationship; that is, between intimate partners. “Intimate partner” here refers to both current and former spouses and dating partners.
It is true that every relationship experiences moments of disagreements and emotional outbursts. However, abuse and disagreements are two different things.
When there are disagreements in a healthy relationship, the ultimate goal is usually to explain oneself and get a partner’s attention and understanding. In the case of abuse, however, the goal is to forcefully dominate and exert control over a partner’s thinking and behavior, using different forms of violent or manipulative tactics.
Essentially, a relationship is abusive or violent when someone habitually uses violence or abuse to control or dominate the other person, causing them to live in fear or making them to feel worthless. It involves taking unfair advantage or misusing power to control the other person. A United Nations document simply classifies abuse as any behavior that frightens, intimidates, terrorizes, manipulates, hurts, humiliates, blames, injures, or wounds an intimate partner.
From the foregoing, it is obvious that domestic violence goes beyond a single incident; it is a repeated behavior that gradually undermines the victim’s confidence and ability to leave the violent person. Moreover, it comes in different dimensions, none of which is mutually exclusive. They include:
1. PHYSICAL ABUSE
This involves physical force or assault of any kind, which causes, or could cause, someone harm. I said “of any kind” because people often only think of physical abuse when a partner is beaten up or battered. However, physical abuse actually includes aggressive acts, such as pushing, grabbing, punching, hitting, shoving, scratching, biting, slapping, choking, throwing things at, pinning against a wall or other surfaces, reckless driving, locking out – and could escalate to shooting, stabbing, or outright murder.
Physical abuse is therefore a pattern of rage and violence used as a means of control and conflict resolution by one spouse against the other. It often follows a three-step circular pattern: • Tension builds, until the partner loses control; • Battery often occurs as the abuser feels the victim deserves it, that he or she needs to be taught; • Remorse follows (in some cases), as the abuser asks for forgiveness and reconciliation, and makes promises of the incident not repeating itself.
However, in most cases, the promise is never kept.
2. VERBAL ABUSE
Verbal abuse is a way of persistently hurting and manipulating a partner through the use of words.
It involves teasing, insulting, bullying, humiliating, demeaning, threatening or intimidating with words, such that the victim is led to do things or act in ways they find uncomfortable. Common manifestations include incessant criticism, raising of voice, screaming, swearing, shouting, put-downs, name-calling, using sarcasm, as well as ridiculing a partner’s condition, abilities, beliefs, family or cultural background.
The ultimate goal of verbal abuse is destroying the victim’s sense of self-worth. As divorce coach, Cathie Meyer, has rightly observed, “Verbal abusers can damage your self-esteem while simultaneously appearing to care deeply for you. The use of words to punish is a very covert attempt to control, and regardless of how loving your spouse may appear to be, verbal abuse is insidious-and can be as harmful as physical abuse.”
3. PSYCHOLOGICAL/EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Emotional or psychological abuse comprises non-physical behaviors that a partner uses to control, isolate, belittle, frighten or silence the other person. Such behaviors include constant monitoring of movement ,and activities, excessive jealousy, sending threatening messages or excessive amounts of text messages, forcing isolation from friends, family, school and/or work, willfully breaking promises or agreements, undermining a partner’s sanity, giving no room for privacy, making unreasonable demands, withholding affection or giving the silent treatment and making jokes at a partner’s expense.
Other manifestations include making all the decisions in a relationship, criticizing a partner for not completing tasks according to one’s standards, expecting a partner to share exactly same opinions with one, making a partner feel embarrassed and inadequate (for example, by exaggerating their weaknesses and mistakes), threatening to harm oneself or someone else to make a partner feel afraid or guilty, threatening to break up if one doesn’t get one’s way, dismissing or distorting a partner’s perceptions or their reality, playing mind games to try to make a partner think they are going crazy, controlling where a partner goes, what they wear and what friends they keep, and so on.
Basically, an emotional abuser’s goal is to weaken their partner’s feelings of self-worth and independence. The goal is ultimately achieved when the abused partner feels that there is no way out or that without the abuser, they are nothing. The victim thus feels helpless and frustrated – fully knowing that the relationship is a dead-end for them but also finding it difficult to leave because they are too scared. And the abuser, seeing the victim’s desperation, is emboldened to abuse them the more.
Considering its more subtle manifestations, it is no surprise that psychological/ emotional abuse appears to be the commonest form of domestic abuse. According to a 2020 survey by the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV), 95% of contacts stated that they were experiencing emotional abuse.
4. SEXUAL ABUSE
This encompasses all sexual acts that are forced or manipulated. It involves all tactics employed in making a partner participate in any type of sexual experience that they don’t want. Sexual abuse is one of the most violating and devastating experiences anyone can endure. Its manifestations include sexually touching a partner when they don’t want to be touched – especially their genitals, forcing a partner to watch pornography, making a partner to perform sexual acts that cause pain or humiliation, manipulating or pressuring a partner into having sex by using guilt trips or making threats, outright rape, forcing a partner to have sex with others, using force during sex even if it is meant to be “playful”, causing injury to a partner’s sexual organs, treating a partner like a sex object, or having sex with a partner when they are incapacitated. It can also be in form of withholding sex as punishment for a partner.
5. FINANCIAL/ECONOMIC ABUSE
This involves using access to money as a means of exercising power and control over a partner. Financial/economic abuse can take different forms, including making oneself the controller of all the finances in the relationship, forcing a partner to do a joint account and then controlling all the spending, keeping a partner from working, ruining a partner’s credit rating, forcing a partner to support the family alone, making a partner to sign for loans and becoming responsible for debts that they have not incurred, forcing the family to live on inadequate resources, buying something for a partner and using it as a means of trying to control them, withholding money, credit cards, food, clothes and medication from a partner, so they have to beg for their everyday necessities such as food, using a partner’s money to fund addictions and other selfish pursuits, forging a partner’s signature to get access to finance etc.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
In case you are a current victim of any of the different forms of domestic abuse, then know that you are not alone. Therefore, you have no reason to feel ashamed or to be hesitant in reaching out and seeking help. Multitudes of people from across the world are victims of abuse. It cuts across ages, genders, classes and backgrounds. However, not many realize that what they’re being subjected to is abuse, since not all abuse involves physical violence. The scourge is so rampant nowadays that if it is not you, then somebody you know is definitely going through it – even if they are not speaking out about it.
READ ALSO: MEET THE 7 WHITE CAP CHIEFS OF OBA SAHEED ELEGUSHI
For story submissions and inquiries, please email us at citypeopleonline96@gmail.com